Surviving Adolesence & Mental Illness

RE: Facebook post on my picture from junior high

I am absolutely floored by how many people have come out of the woodwork to say that either 1) they weren’t aware that I was ever struggling with depression or suicide and 2) that they themselves have struggled with the same issues.  I didn’t expect this to turn into a giant thing, but I kind of feel like we need to talk about this a bit more. 

Adolescence, especially middle and junior high school, is hard.  It’s hard for everyone.  It’s a time when you aren’t a kid but you aren’t an adult and you don’t know who you are at all.  Your parents are telling you who you should be.  But so are your teachers, your friends, the media and your psyche.  Navigating these muddy waters, all while under siege of hormones, is a nightmare. I often tell myself – even at age 37 – “You survived junior high school – you can survive this.”  And that has actually gotten me through some pretty tough times.   

I have joked in the past about how I plan on homeschooling my daughter through middle/junior high school, because it was such a dark time for me.  But then I remember that phrase above – and how it has proven my own strength to me.  And how can I rob her of that?

Going back for my “unofficial” 20^th high school reunion (at least amongst my fellow choir nerds) this past weekend was a real eye opener for me.  I learned a lot about myself now as an adult, as well as about my friends.  People who I thought had perfect lives were in such pain back then. And even people who were extremely close to me had levels of suffering I wasn’t aware of.

Never have I been more aware of the assumptions we make of each other as humans, but also as a society.  Both negative and positive.  When they say everyone has a story – it’s really true. And you would not believe some of the things people have been through.

Bullying and social persecution is never a good thing, but it is going to always be there.  We can help create awareness, find out why our kids are losing their sense of empathy at a young age, and put that train back on the correct track.  But there is always someone who is going to belittle, torture and actively pursue destroying another person.  It’s human nature and, though it isn’t right, it’s not going away.

As a mother, I am absolutely terrified of raising my daughter in a world with social media.  As much as we, as adults, have found fulfillment by communicating and “virtually hanging out” with each other via social media, for young people, this has just caused the laser heat from the magnifying glass of peer scrutiny to burn closer and faster.  There is no escape:  if you avoid partaking in social media, you actually do miss out on a lot that is going on amongst your age group.  If you DO participate in it, you run the risk of being drowned by external negativity that will suffocate what small voice is trying to survive within you. 

Both Nature and Nurture play a role in who will survive the social jungle of adolescence.  Genetic predispositions towards mental illness might not take hold within a child if Nurture can provide a solid foundation of self-concept and healthy coping skills.  Likewise, Nurture may not be a match against Nature, no matter how perfect an environment is for a kid.  And if you have both, less than ideal Nature and Nurture, then the likelihood that bumpy roads are ahead is even greater.  It’s just common sense. 

It’s important to know that, a mere twig of a statement won’t even put a scratch on you.  But to a kid who is already battling demons of depression or other mental illness, or abuse at home, that mere twig can feel like a battering ram to their psyche.  They do not recover, rebound or repel as well as other kids.  This is not weakness.  It is just reality. 

So before you start throwing slings and arrows – or dismiss behavior of other kids as “kids just being kids” – realize that those actions can be final for some individuals.

Here are some things I took away from my time at the bottom:

1.  Don’t tell kids to ignore it. This is literally the worst advice ever.  And it’s the most commonly given advice, by teachers and parents and counselors.  But it doesn’t work. For the occasional teasing, yes, but for chronic bullying it DOES. NOT. WORK.  Yes, responding to the bullying eggs them on, but so does “ignoring” it.  By ignoring it, that sends a message to the bully and the kid, that the victim is not strong enough to have a voice, and is not of enough value to use that voice.  They will keep coming.  They will not stop.  It will be relentless.  How do you ignore a sun that doesn’t stop beating down on you?  You can’t.
2. Don’t tell kids that the bullies are “just jealous” of them.  While that may or may not be true, this does not provide your child any tool to help them combat this. 
3. Do not tell kids to “avoid those kids”.  Now, I have to say here that SOMETIMES this would be ok to say.  But again, not in the case of chronic bullying.  Why should YOUR CHILD – the one who is being attacked – have to alter THEIR path of travel, timing of entry/exit some place, or activities they do because SOMEONE ELSE has decided to make their life Hell?  What message is that sending to your kid??  It is saying: their need to persecute you is valued more than your right to live your life.  Seriously.  Think about it.  And, in all honesty, 99% of the time, those kids cannot be avoided.  They will find you. In the locker room.  On the way home.  In the dark corners off the side of a playground.  Even in a classroom with a teacher.  If they want to find you, they will.  And by “avoiding” them, that sends the message that you are not worth fighting for. Or back. Or against.
    
4. If your kid suddenly chronically does not want to go to school – they all of a sudden always have a tummy ache or headache or whatever – this is a red flag.  Sure, there are those “frequent flyers” as my mom, a school nurse, would call them.  Kids who legit just want to stay home and goof off.  But if your normally active and happy kid all of a sudden is adamant about not going to school – pay attention to this.  Dig deeper.  Figure out what is going on.  I bet you they are struggling with something in a social way that they do not either 1) feel equipped to deal with or 2) feel like they aren’t worth enough to deal with it.
   
   
5. I am not saying to automatically diagnose your kid – like I said above – just because there is history of mental illness in a family, doesn’t mean it will come to fruition.  But be aware of the genetic potential that may be within your kid, and keep that tucked in your head.  A kid suffering from chronic depression is not going to be able to cope with things (naturally) as well as a kid without.  They CAN learn healthy coping mechanisms, along with therapy and sometimes medication, but they are not naturally equipped with all of the tools necessary.  This can be the difference between a kid who survives and one who does not.
   
   
6. YOU ARE THE VOICE INSIDE YOUR KID’S HEAD – what does it sound like?  This is a big one, and one that I try to remember every day with my child.  As kids, our conscience is actually the voice of our parents or parental figures (whether it be a parent or older sibling, caretaker, etc). Seriously – think about a time when you were a kid and you could hear your mom’s or dad’s or grandparent’s voice in your head when you were about to do something naughty.  That’s your conscience – and it’s voiced by an adult figure when you are young.  Then, as an adult, it turns into your own voice.  So what is the script that is playing in your child’s head? 
   Most people know that the quality I value in people most is humility.  I despise arrogance and it is the #1 way to get me to cut you off.  And, while I don’t want to raise an arrogant little shite, I want to do everything I can to make sure that MY voice, inside HER head, is LOUDER and STRONGER and has deeper roots than any other voice that she will hear as she grows up.  I truly believe this is key for self-concept.  And self-concept is key for self-worth.  And that is key for knowing your value – no matter what others say.  Every day I tell my child that I love her. That she is amazing.  And kind.  And funny. And smart.  And compassionate.  And a hard worker.  And a good friend.  And strong. So very very strong.  EVERY DAY.  I tell her these things.  And while I am not the “every kid gets a trophy” person, I am definitely not going to slow down on making sure she hears all of those things in her head, loud and clear, as she goes about her day.
    
   
7. Labels and identity.  This is another thing that we all do, to our kids and to each other.
   “Sally is always dramatic.”  “Susie is very sensitive.”  “Tommy is aggressive.”
    
   It starts as qualities, and then evolves into labels:
   “Jenny is a chatterbox.”  “Michael is a discipline problem.” “Tony is a sissy.”
    
   
   And then it evolves even further into boxes that your child puts themselves in:
   “I can’t ever be quiet.” “People think I talk too much.”  “I cry too easily.”  “I have a bad temper.”
    
   
   And these boxes are limits.  They are limits that your child will form their identity around. And until someone looks at them and questions why they insist on living in those boxes (my husband was the first person to do this for me), they will not even realize that the box isn’t sealed shut.  You can come out of it.  You can remove that limitation on yourself.  You do not HAVE to be what everyone has always said you were.  It’s a choice.  You can change it.
    
8. Self-concept surrounding a “talent”.  I was a dancer.  That was my identity as a child. I loved dance, I did all kinds of dance.  I was going to be a professional ballerina and that was that. And then I injured my knee. Now who am I? I am no longer a dancer.  I then latched on to being a violinist.  Then my violin was smashed and we moved to a school district with no school orchestra program.  Now I am no longer a violinist.  Then I became a singer.  That’s who I was. Mixed in was being a writer – I was always told at a young age what a great writer I was and how I was going to be a writer when I grew up.  And then I went to high school and got a D on my first paper in Mr. Haley’s English class.  What the heck?!  But I AM A WRITER.  It’s WHO I AM.
    I was also always told I was overly dramatic (true) and that I would be a great actress someday.  Well imagine my surprise when I tried out for my first play in 5^th grade and I could not memorize a monologue to save my life.  Memorization is key for being an actress.  I felt like a disappointment.  Like I had somehow not fulfilled my destiny as an actress.
    No.  I am not a singer - I like to sing.  I am not a writer – I like to write.  I am not a dancer – I like to dance.
    I found that, as soon as some pillar of my identity was smashed, I had lost the only self-concept I had.  Then I had to reinvent myself.
    I am probably over reacting on this one, but I caution myself and others when attaching their child’s identity to a “talent” or “skill”.  Should they ever lose that, or it not pan out how they had thought,  it can be hard on the self-concept.
9. As important as it is to make our kids bully-proof, it is also important to not raise bullies.  Do not tolerate behavior of any sort like that.  Much to my surprise, we have had to deal with instances with my daughter at school where she has physically picked on another kid.  Most of the time, it is as a result of a kid getting in her space, or a kid picking on her.  But still – at this stage in her childhood – you NEVER hit.  (We will address self-defense, etc) I am told by her teachers that she isn’t a “problem” in this department, that it is normal for kids her age, and it isn’t chronic for her.  And while I am very happy to see she didn’t wait until her late 20s to find her backbone like I did, I don’t like knowing that she has hit another child.  And we take it very seriously in our house.
10. Empathy.  When I see another kid crying or upset, I make sure and point it out to my daughter (if she doesn’t notice it on her own).  And then I prompt her to go and ask the child if they are alright? Would they like a hug? Do they need a friend? How can she help?  Harvesting the skill of awareness of others and empathy is the only way to reduce the bullying epidemic.  It’s not making our kids tougher.  It’s making them aware of a world outside of themselves.  And how they impact others.
    
    

This is a lot.  I didn’t mean for it to be, but it is.  I really appreciate everyone reaching out and sharing your stories or perceptions with me.

What was your experience in your darkest days?  How did you survive middle/junior high school?  What kinds of things do you wish others would have done/said to help you through?  How do you think we can help all of our kids in this new crazy world we live in?

Let’s keep the conversation going.

XO