Surviving Adolesence & Mental Illness

RE: Facebook post on my picture from junior high

I am absolutely floored by how many people have come out of the woodwork to say that either 1) they weren’t aware that I was ever struggling with depression or suicide and 2) that they themselves have struggled with the same issues.  I didn’t expect this to turn into a giant thing, but I kind of feel like we need to talk about this a bit more. 

Adolescence, especially middle and junior high school, is hard.  It’s hard for everyone.  It’s a time when you aren’t a kid but you aren’t an adult and you don’t know who you are at all.  Your parents are telling you who you should be.  But so are your teachers, your friends, the media and your psyche.  Navigating these muddy waters, all while under siege of hormones, is a nightmare. I often tell myself – even at age 37 – “You survived junior high school – you can survive this.”  And that has actually gotten me through some pretty tough times.   

I have joked in the past about how I plan on homeschooling my daughter through middle/junior high school, because it was such a dark time for me.  But then I remember that phrase above – and how it has proven my own strength to me.  And how can I rob her of that?

Going back for my “unofficial” 20^th high school reunion (at least amongst my fellow choir nerds) this past weekend was a real eye opener for me.  I learned a lot about myself now as an adult, as well as about my friends.  People who I thought had perfect lives were in such pain back then. And even people who were extremely close to me had levels of suffering I wasn’t aware of.

Never have I been more aware of the assumptions we make of each other as humans, but also as a society.  Both negative and positive.  When they say everyone has a story – it’s really true. And you would not believe some of the things people have been through.

Bullying and social persecution is never a good thing, but it is going to always be there.  We can help create awareness, find out why our kids are losing their sense of empathy at a young age, and put that train back on the correct track.  But there is always someone who is going to belittle, torture and actively pursue destroying another person.  It’s human nature and, though it isn’t right, it’s not going away.

As a mother, I am absolutely terrified of raising my daughter in a world with social media.  As much as we, as adults, have found fulfillment by communicating and “virtually hanging out” with each other via social media, for young people, this has just caused the laser heat from the magnifying glass of peer scrutiny to burn closer and faster.  There is no escape:  if you avoid partaking in social media, you actually do miss out on a lot that is going on amongst your age group.  If you DO participate in it, you run the risk of being drowned by external negativity that will suffocate what small voice is trying to survive within you. 

Both Nature and Nurture play a role in who will survive the social jungle of adolescence.  Genetic predispositions towards mental illness might not take hold within a child if Nurture can provide a solid foundation of self-concept and healthy coping skills.  Likewise, Nurture may not be a match against Nature, no matter how perfect an environment is for a kid.  And if you have both, less than ideal Nature and Nurture, then the likelihood that bumpy roads are ahead is even greater.  It’s just common sense. 

It’s important to know that, a mere twig of a statement won’t even put a scratch on you.  But to a kid who is already battling demons of depression or other mental illness, or abuse at home, that mere twig can feel like a battering ram to their psyche.  They do not recover, rebound or repel as well as other kids.  This is not weakness.  It is just reality. 

So before you start throwing slings and arrows – or dismiss behavior of other kids as “kids just being kids” – realize that those actions can be final for some individuals.

Here are some things I took away from my time at the bottom:

1.  Don’t tell kids to ignore it. This is literally the worst advice ever.  And it’s the most commonly given advice, by teachers and parents and counselors.  But it doesn’t work. For the occasional teasing, yes, but for chronic bullying it DOES. NOT. WORK.  Yes, responding to the bullying eggs them on, but so does “ignoring” it.  By ignoring it, that sends a message to the bully and the kid, that the victim is not strong enough to have a voice, and is not of enough value to use that voice.  They will keep coming.  They will not stop.  It will be relentless.  How do you ignore a sun that doesn’t stop beating down on you?  You can’t.
2. Don’t tell kids that the bullies are “just jealous” of them.  While that may or may not be true, this does not provide your child any tool to help them combat this. 
3. Do not tell kids to “avoid those kids”.  Now, I have to say here that SOMETIMES this would be ok to say.  But again, not in the case of chronic bullying.  Why should YOUR CHILD – the one who is being attacked – have to alter THEIR path of travel, timing of entry/exit some place, or activities they do because SOMEONE ELSE has decided to make their life Hell?  What message is that sending to your kid??  It is saying: their need to persecute you is valued more than your right to live your life.  Seriously.  Think about it.  And, in all honesty, 99% of the time, those kids cannot be avoided.  They will find you. In the locker room.  On the way home.  In the dark corners off the side of a playground.  Even in a classroom with a teacher.  If they want to find you, they will.  And by “avoiding” them, that sends the message that you are not worth fighting for. Or back. Or against.
    
4. If your kid suddenly chronically does not want to go to school – they all of a sudden always have a tummy ache or headache or whatever – this is a red flag.  Sure, there are those “frequent flyers” as my mom, a school nurse, would call them.  Kids who legit just want to stay home and goof off.  But if your normally active and happy kid all of a sudden is adamant about not going to school – pay attention to this.  Dig deeper.  Figure out what is going on.  I bet you they are struggling with something in a social way that they do not either 1) feel equipped to deal with or 2) feel like they aren’t worth enough to deal with it.
   
   
5. I am not saying to automatically diagnose your kid – like I said above – just because there is history of mental illness in a family, doesn’t mean it will come to fruition.  But be aware of the genetic potential that may be within your kid, and keep that tucked in your head.  A kid suffering from chronic depression is not going to be able to cope with things (naturally) as well as a kid without.  They CAN learn healthy coping mechanisms, along with therapy and sometimes medication, but they are not naturally equipped with all of the tools necessary.  This can be the difference between a kid who survives and one who does not.
   
   
6. YOU ARE THE VOICE INSIDE YOUR KID’S HEAD – what does it sound like?  This is a big one, and one that I try to remember every day with my child.  As kids, our conscience is actually the voice of our parents or parental figures (whether it be a parent or older sibling, caretaker, etc). Seriously – think about a time when you were a kid and you could hear your mom’s or dad’s or grandparent’s voice in your head when you were about to do something naughty.  That’s your conscience – and it’s voiced by an adult figure when you are young.  Then, as an adult, it turns into your own voice.  So what is the script that is playing in your child’s head? 
   Most people know that the quality I value in people most is humility.  I despise arrogance and it is the #1 way to get me to cut you off.  And, while I don’t want to raise an arrogant little shite, I want to do everything I can to make sure that MY voice, inside HER head, is LOUDER and STRONGER and has deeper roots than any other voice that she will hear as she grows up.  I truly believe this is key for self-concept.  And self-concept is key for self-worth.  And that is key for knowing your value – no matter what others say.  Every day I tell my child that I love her. That she is amazing.  And kind.  And funny. And smart.  And compassionate.  And a hard worker.  And a good friend.  And strong. So very very strong.  EVERY DAY.  I tell her these things.  And while I am not the “every kid gets a trophy” person, I am definitely not going to slow down on making sure she hears all of those things in her head, loud and clear, as she goes about her day.
    
   
7. Labels and identity.  This is another thing that we all do, to our kids and to each other.
   “Sally is always dramatic.”  “Susie is very sensitive.”  “Tommy is aggressive.”
    
   It starts as qualities, and then evolves into labels:
   “Jenny is a chatterbox.”  “Michael is a discipline problem.” “Tony is a sissy.”
    
   
   And then it evolves even further into boxes that your child puts themselves in:
   “I can’t ever be quiet.” “People think I talk too much.”  “I cry too easily.”  “I have a bad temper.”
    
   
   And these boxes are limits.  They are limits that your child will form their identity around. And until someone looks at them and questions why they insist on living in those boxes (my husband was the first person to do this for me), they will not even realize that the box isn’t sealed shut.  You can come out of it.  You can remove that limitation on yourself.  You do not HAVE to be what everyone has always said you were.  It’s a choice.  You can change it.
    
8. Self-concept surrounding a “talent”.  I was a dancer.  That was my identity as a child. I loved dance, I did all kinds of dance.  I was going to be a professional ballerina and that was that. And then I injured my knee. Now who am I? I am no longer a dancer.  I then latched on to being a violinist.  Then my violin was smashed and we moved to a school district with no school orchestra program.  Now I am no longer a violinist.  Then I became a singer.  That’s who I was. Mixed in was being a writer – I was always told at a young age what a great writer I was and how I was going to be a writer when I grew up.  And then I went to high school and got a D on my first paper in Mr. Haley’s English class.  What the heck?!  But I AM A WRITER.  It’s WHO I AM.
    I was also always told I was overly dramatic (true) and that I would be a great actress someday.  Well imagine my surprise when I tried out for my first play in 5^th grade and I could not memorize a monologue to save my life.  Memorization is key for being an actress.  I felt like a disappointment.  Like I had somehow not fulfilled my destiny as an actress.
    No.  I am not a singer - I like to sing.  I am not a writer – I like to write.  I am not a dancer – I like to dance.
    I found that, as soon as some pillar of my identity was smashed, I had lost the only self-concept I had.  Then I had to reinvent myself.
    I am probably over reacting on this one, but I caution myself and others when attaching their child’s identity to a “talent” or “skill”.  Should they ever lose that, or it not pan out how they had thought,  it can be hard on the self-concept.
9. As important as it is to make our kids bully-proof, it is also important to not raise bullies.  Do not tolerate behavior of any sort like that.  Much to my surprise, we have had to deal with instances with my daughter at school where she has physically picked on another kid.  Most of the time, it is as a result of a kid getting in her space, or a kid picking on her.  But still – at this stage in her childhood – you NEVER hit.  (We will address self-defense, etc) I am told by her teachers that she isn’t a “problem” in this department, that it is normal for kids her age, and it isn’t chronic for her.  And while I am very happy to see she didn’t wait until her late 20s to find her backbone like I did, I don’t like knowing that she has hit another child.  And we take it very seriously in our house.
10. Empathy.  When I see another kid crying or upset, I make sure and point it out to my daughter (if she doesn’t notice it on her own).  And then I prompt her to go and ask the child if they are alright? Would they like a hug? Do they need a friend? How can she help?  Harvesting the skill of awareness of others and empathy is the only way to reduce the bullying epidemic.  It’s not making our kids tougher.  It’s making them aware of a world outside of themselves.  And how they impact others.
    
    

This is a lot.  I didn’t mean for it to be, but it is.  I really appreciate everyone reaching out and sharing your stories or perceptions with me.

What was your experience in your darkest days?  How did you survive middle/junior high school?  What kinds of things do you wish others would have done/said to help you through?  How do you think we can help all of our kids in this new crazy world we live in?

Let’s keep the conversation going.

XO

WTH is "Thin Privilege"?

Maybe I am not understanding how the word “privilege” is being used here, or maybe I am just atypical in my experience.  But, growing up underweight and tiny, I have experienced both sides of the size spectrum.  And neither is perfect.  Granted, being thinner seems to have more “perks” or “privileges” than being fat, but that doesn’t mean both are without positives and negatives.

 

Out of this list, here are the ones that I have experienced first-hand:

Finding clothing in my size in any store – most of the time I front $$$$ ordering stuff online and then pay shipping fees to send back what doesn’t work.

Flying – thigh and arm spillage on the person next to me, as well as having to use a seat belt extender.  The seat belt extender doesn’t bother me – but I don’t like encroaching on others’ space.

Bathroom stalls with my kid – this can be tough to navigate in non-handicapped stalls.

Booths in restaurants – my boobs almost always spill onto the table like they are the main course.  It is both awkward for the person sitting across from me, as well as my food gets all over my shirts.

Steering wheels – this was a big issue, especially when I was very pregnant.  Being plus size and petite, I need to sit up close to reach the pedals, but I also need space for the belly and boobs and butt.

Walking in between tables and in movie theaters – this is always awkward.  I always think “What’s less likely to rub up against someone, my belly or my butt?” It’s always the belly.  The belly, while big at times, is never as big as the butt.  This becomes an issue when boarding a plane, too.

Rides – My kid loves to go to Lollipop Park – a mini amusement park for little kids.  On some of the rides, adults “under 150 pounds” can ride with their kid.  Every time I climb into the Ferris Wheel with her I worry that our carriage will fall and shatter to the ground because I am over 150 pounds.  Part of that is my anxiety talking, but it’s a real fear.  But I still go, because they say it’s ok for me to ride and my kid wants to go with me.

Boots – This is probably my biggest issue with being big.  I cannot wear even mid-calf boots because, unless I buy a super wide calf boot and then pay a cobbler to put in an extension panel, none of them will fit me.  And even then, I can’t tuck my jeans in because my thighs are heavy and I will look like a Canadian Bounty.  Not sexy.

Motorized carts – When I had my gall bladder out, my c-section and dislocated my knee, I did use the motorized carts when shopping.  And I did get stares. And a couple of times a kid asked why I was using it, because they could not see any visible issue (other than my weight).

Student desks – I can’t even with this.

Job interviews – I personally have never not gotten a job because of my weight, but I DID witness someone else not give someone a job because they were heavy.  Granted, that person was a total biatch and got what was coming to her.  But still – I was SHOCKED when she just blatantly said that the woman was too fat for the admin position…

Ambulance gurney – When I have been taken by ambulance, I have apologized to the EMTs for having to lift me.  It’s a thankless job and I am heavy.  Let’s be honest.  Same thing when I was being transferred from my hospital bed to the OR table for my c-section.  I apologized to the doctors and nurses who had to lift me.  Yes it’s part of their job, but it’s not easy.

Infertility – This one I actually did feel the sting of repeatedly.  And I am so glad I proved that OB wrong.  As well as the one during labor.

Charge extra for weight – When I buy clothes, sometimes I have to pay extra because I need a bigger size and that requires more fabric.  It’s just business – more material = more cost.

Step stool or ladder – I will never forget when I started my current job.  I was the only shorty in an office of tall people, and I don’t like asking for help.  So I asked my leggy work sister wife if we had a step stool?  We didn’t, she informed me.  Then the next day, Staples delivered me a step stool.  It was so thoughtful and sweet.  And it has a 150 pound weight limit.  So I still use it, but I say a little prayer every time, LOL.

 _______________________________________________

With all of this, though, it has never occurred to me to consider NOT having to deal with these things a “privilege” of being thin.  It’s just reality.  I feel like lists like this are a Catch-22.  If a thin person then acknowledges their Thin Privilege because they DON’T have to deal with any of these things, how does that not seem like a criticism of someone who is fat who DOES have to deal with these things?

On the same token, I know thin people who work their little assess off at being thin or fit or whatever.   So these “privileges” are actually things they have worked hard for.  Seems like it’s deserving, no?  While I don’t deserve society deliberately making my life harder because I am fat, I haven’t put in the work to not be fat.  So that’s my issue – not anyone else’s.  (I know that there are people who are overweight despite great efforts.  But they are the outliers.  Most of us who are heavy know why we are heavy and could change that if we worked at it.  But only if that is something you desire to do.  You don’t HAVE to.  But if you want to, you likely can.)

 

Also, there are fat privileges, too.  For instance, being fat, I have boobs.  And boobs make clothes look nice.  When I was thin and didn’t have boobs, all I wanted was boobs.  So is that a “fat privilege” then since I have bigger boobs? No. It’s just a fact of reality.

 

Also, I am very nice to snuggle with.  I am soft and squishy and that’s wonderful to cozy up to.  Is that a “fat privilege”.  No.  It just is what it is.

 

I feel like a lot of this list is more like nuisances that occur as a result of being overweight, but it’s not worth letting it stop you from living your life.  I would rather make a list of how lucky I am to have a home to live in, food to eat, clean water, access to healthcare,  access and the financial bandwith to pay for excellent childcare for my daughter….THOSE are lists worth making.  If we make lists like this and focus solely on what is hard about life, WTH kind of frame of mind will we be in?  Victim.  I will not be a victim because I am a big girl.  Eff that.

Someone makes a snarky comment to you because you ordered a bacon cheeseburger?  WTH. Who cares what they think.  You go eat your cheeseburger with a big smile on your face and go about your day.  Their rude ass doesn’t matter one bit.

Do not let weight define who you are, whether big or small.  Don’t think you’re worth less because you’re big, and don’t think you’re the shit because you’re tiny.  Focus more on what matters and will be a constant over time: your character.  Skinny people get fat and fat people lose weight. So don’t behave in a way that, should either thing happen to you, you will look like a jerkface.

Just be real, be authentic, and focus on what is good in your life.  I know this is easier said than done for some people who really struggle emotionally about their weight.  But let's figure out a way to lift eachother up in our curvy girl awesomeness, focus on living healthy, happy lives just as ourselves.  Making a list of things that skinny people don't have to deal with doesn't seem productive to me.  But again, I may not be the norm.  Give me feedback.  Especially my Body Love people.  I want to hear what you think.

Though I am still going to mourn not being able to wear cute boots.

http://chubbygirlbrigade.com/thin-privilege-is-and-is-not/

It's a New Year and I'm giving up...

...on that which does not serve me.

"You have to learn to get up from the table when love is no longer being served."
 -Nina Simone

This quote was on the wall at City O City when I went there last week.  It has been stuck in my head ever since.

I wish I had read this quote decades ago, but sometimes life doesn't present things to us until we are totally ready to receive them.  I am certain I was not ready to really grasp and implement the notion Ms. Simone is teaching here...until now.

I think this is an EXCELLENT lesson for all of us to embrace in the New Year: do not waste your time or energy or any other resources in situations, with ideas or people that do not serve you and your life in a positive, beneficial fashion.

Make no mistake - this does not mean to abandon conversation or communication about hard topics.  That DOES serve a purpose.  What it does mean (to me, at least) is to stop with this "never give up" bullshit that we have been fed our whole lives.  I am officially banishing "never give up" and replacing it with "choose your efforts wisely."  So often, it seems, we spend our time and energy trying and trying and trying when 1) it's futile and 2) it doesn't serve us.  We do it out of guilt.  Or image.  Or because it is what we are told is supposed to be important.

I am calling bullshit.  B-U-L-L SHIT.

Find what and who serves your purpose, feeds your soul and challenges you to grow.  That's it.  That's what we should be chasing.  Happiness comes from within and when we spend all of our time and energy "never giving up" on the wrong things, then we don't have energy for the right things. So, ask yourself WHY.  Be that toddler that has a never-ending supply of "But why?" Keep the fuel behind your fire close at heart and frequently review what matches you are striking to keep it burning.

It's ok to give up.  In fact, it's good for us.  Giving up on something means that you will have energy to "never give up" on something worthwhile.

I can't wait to see what I give up on in 2016.  It's going to be a great year.

Life is Funny. And Colorful.

It's been a while since I have posted. The one time that I did post. Which was just to say that I am going to start posting. Lame.

Lots have happened and, like many things in life, the thoughts in my head come and go, and lately the thoughts that have been coming more and more involved God, faith, spirituality, religion and me. Rather than go into extensive detail, I just wanted to share this observation:

I find it ironic that me - the Queen of Black and White Thinking - has been settling into the Gray Area for years now.

Isn't it interesting that, as a child, there are certain things that are black and white (as far as clarity in understanding):

Don't hit people.
Share your toys.
Say "Please" and "Thank You".


Likewise, as a child there are things that are limitless in colorful opportunity:

I could be an astronaut.
I could fly.
I could sail around the world.

But, I find, as we grow and settle into adulthood, the colorful things become few and far between and the black and white clarity we once lived our childhood by has now settled into a sea of gray.

I was an opinionated, precocious, and outspoken child: Abortion was wrong. I didn't want to marry a hairy man. Girls are smarter than boys.

As I grew up, this black-and-white thinking got me into trouble (as did my outspoken mouth). And some enemies, some strangers, and some friends who cared enough to tell me the truth set me straight, put me in my place and now I find myself in the Land of Gray.

As for God, religion, spirituality, Jesus, humanity and all of that light-hearted stuff...I came to this realization just a few minutes ago:

As much as I want to believe it isn't this way, I can't.

It just can't be as Black and White as so many people believe it is. Just like people come in all sizes, shapes and colors, so must our thinking and way of living.

So, for now, I will accept that my grey matter has my niche in a mindset of gray. And gray doesn't have to be gloomy or depressing. It can just be ambiguous with colorful possibilities in its potential.

I will focus on the things in my adult life that do bring those vibrant colors: my husband, my family, my friends, music, reading, laughter, flowers, babies, animals and learning new things.

My grey matter is telling me that gray is ok for now.

I'm a bigger procrastinator than I thought...

So, apparently, I already joined this Blogger thing back in January of 2010...I had forgotten all about it until now (big surprise) and so I am finally getting around to writing (big surprise) and am already finding the sound of my fingers on the keyboard therapeutic (big surprise).

Originally I think this was supposed to be a portal for me to share my journey through weight loss and transforming my life into the healthy one I've envisioned for so long, however, like anything, there are no guarantees. This could start out as a helpful place full of nutritional info and useful tips and then just turn into a giant mess of ranting, raving and randomness.

Enter at your own risk. I hope you find my words, if nothing else, entertaining.

XO